How to get people to help you.
The usual ways of asking for help are counterproductive. Here's the psychology of how to ask for help in a successful way.
How many times do you avoid asking for something because you get that sudden feeling of discomfort? That nervous gut feeling and rapid increase in heart rate when asking your manager for support, asking someone on a date, asking to give your opinion in a meeting, or asking for a pay rise.
We often don't want to ask for help because it makes us feel uncertain, puts us at risk of being rejected, could lower our status, or force us to give up control.
The feeling of asking can feel uncomfortable and the fear of getting a no can feel painful.
And neuroscience shows us that the fear of rejection activates the same region of the brain that’s associated with physical pain.
But it’s impossible to progress and thrive in life without the help of others. Advice, referrals, recommendations, and honest feedback all help us achieve our goals and feelings of fulfilment.
The same goes for teams. Being agile, reducing silos, problem-solving and achieving a common goal, require support from colleagues, managers and leaders.
Yet, the habit of asking directly for help is outweighed by the habit of not asking for help. That’s despite the research showing that 75-90% of help and support come from direct asks.
In this blog, you’re going to understand the steps you can take in increase your ask and support rate.
To elicit the help of others, we must understand the psychology of human behaviour. Without this, we keep missing out on serendipitous life opportunities.
There are three parts to this:
The psychology of human behaviour: the principles of human motivation, how not to ask and the conditions for getting to yes.
How to ask for help: examples of what to say and what not to say.
Emotional flexibility: managing yourself to overcome the worry of asking for help.
Understanding the human brain
The human mind is wired for survival. We inherently like comfort, familiarity and safety. These all help us feel protected and in control.
We don’t like things imposed on us and like to have a degree of autonomy and decision-making over commitments we make.
Yet the way we ask for things runs in the face of these principles.
Perhaps, the usual ways of asking are the most unproductive. A poorly crafted ask will increase the probability of people wanting to give less. Or worse, say no.
However, there are a few paradoxes at play here. Humans are innately altruistic. We want to help people. Helping others gives us that dopamine hit that makes us feel good about ourselves.
There’s a term called ‘helpers high’.
Researchers have found that the stress hormone cortisol was lower in volunteers on days when they did good deeds.
And amazingly, research across 2,274 people showed that people are more willing to help others, over helping themselves.
As Adam Grant said: “There is a lot of evidence that one of the best anti-anxiety medications available is generosity”.
People want to help much more than we give them credit. Always bear this in mind when asking for help.
Yet often, the way we ask for help often leads people to say no. A lose-lose for both parties.
“Can I have your feedback?”, traps people into a binary yes or no.
“Do me a favour would you?”, makes people feel like they need to say yes (and may not follow through).
“Would you be up for helping me and I’ll help you in return”, could be counterproductive because people don’t like feeling backed into a corner.
It’s not necessarily what you say that matters, it’s how you say it within the wider context of the relationship.
How to ask for help
We can frame ‘how to ask more effectively’ in the context of human motivation, and self-determination theory. This model has stood the test of time in accurately describing the conditions for people being motivated for engaging in something.
Competence
Relatedness
Autonomy
#Tip 1 Competence
People want to see the impact of the support they give.
We are motivated to grow and improve as humans. Evolutionally, competence serves the purpose of standing out from the crowd to increase the likelihood of being selected by mates.
And think about this from a social perspective, we fear rejection. To belong, people want to impress and show their worth.
When asking for help in conversation, we can emphasise this point.
Example one (real life)
“You were a great help in getting sign-off on this project last time so I make no apologies in asking again (compliment and light humour). Would you mind having a brief look at this proposal before I send it off to Sarah?” (framed as a question and to the point).
Example two (real life)
“Hi Nicolas, I’ve been following your incredible work for some time (compliment). You’ve genuinely inspired me to take action on writing a book on imposter syndrome, so first of all, thank you (compliment and gratitude). I’m messaging a small group of highly inspiring creators to see if they’d be interested in contributing a quote for the book (exclusivity and compliment). I know your words of wisdom will help so many in turning imposter syndrome into a super-strength (show how this will help others). I will of course credit you in the book (how this will help them show their competence). I am looking for 3-4 lines, nothing too long (a task that does not require too much effort). Is this something you’d be interested to help with (giving choice with a question)?
I’m not suggesting you copy word by word. This is my authentic way of communicating. It might not work for you but work with these principles and you’ll significantly increase the rate at which people want to help you. Give it a go with some practice.
#Tip 2 Relatedness
Humans want to belong. We can create a feeling of belonging in many ways and one of the most obvious ways is getting to know someone and building trust. Trust increases the chance of someone wanting to help. It’s a given, not a chore.
However, another highly impactful way is finding a common ground. A shared purpose. A feeling that ‘we’re in this together’.
“Hardship brings people together if you share it”
John Wooden.
It’s true, isn’t it?
Think about professional sports teams who face relentless training regimes, mistakes and failures, in pursuit of excellence.
Health professionals who deal with traumatic events, pressure, and emotion each day, in pursuit of saving lives.
Military units fighting wars, facing life-changing injuries and losing lives, in pursuit of protecting the safety of our country.
Strong relationships build in the presence of a shared purpose.
How does this relate to day-to-day conversations in the workplace? Well, it’s available everywhere. The key is highlighting the shared perspective, feeling, emotion, or experience.
For example, you’re in a project team of 12 people and there are only two of you who challenge the leaders. Don’t say, “we’re the only two that speak up” (what happened). Say, “have you observed that our perspective is never listened to?” (the shared challenge).
This opens the door to exploring how you can move forward together to solve this problem. It doesn’t become about you or them. It becomes us together.
#Tip 3 Autonomy
People want to feel like they’re in control.
A poorly communicated ask makes people feel uneasy, unsafe and uncertain. The opposite of control. I lay out 13 strategies to improve your skill of influential conversation in my new e-book.
Creating a feeling of autonomy in any successful ask centres around the idea of permission. Asking for permission, framed in a question.
Asking for permission invites the other party to be part of the way forward, creating a feeling of being empowered and increasing the likelihood of them wanting to be part of the solution.
But, you should never feel like you don’t have permission to ask. Here’s what I mean.
Calling out bullying, challenging the decision of a leader, giving your opinion, and asking for a pay rise does not and should not mean you require permission to challenge or ask.
That's not my point.
My point is how do you position the ask in a way where you increase the likelihood of getting the outcome you want? Perhaps you could look at it like a negotiation.
Out of A or B below, which statements feel more engaging to you?
A) Can I have a pay rise, please?
B) Could I get your perspective on something, please? I would love your advice on how you think I can get a pay rise.
A = closed question creates the feeling they have no choice.
B = will always get a yes response, the word advice is less threatening than the word feedback and it’s framed in a question to make them feel engaged.
A) I think I deserve a pay rise, can you tell me how to get one?
B) Do you have a moment, please? Don’t feel like you need to respond now. Is it unreasonable for me to ask for a pay rise?
A = demanding and taking no responsibility.
B = asking for permission, creates safety and they’ll know it’s not unreasonable and think it’s a reasonable request.
A) Hi Dan, can you give me some feedback on how I can improve my performance, please?
B) Hi Dan, I’m looking forward to my performance review next week. I’ve been reflecting on ways I can improve my performance. In our meeting, I’d appreciate your advice on how you think I could improve my performance because I am keen to progress in the company.
A = closed question that makes them feel cornered.
B = framing as a positive rather than a chore shows initiative and gives them time to prepare in advance, whilst reassuring them about the future. Also, when people give advice, they feel more invested in your progression and will want to help.
Humans are complex. There’s no recipe for effective communication and it depends on the character you’re dealing with. But the principles outlined here will hold you in good stead.
The key point? Experiment and practice with courage. That’s how you craft the skill of asking.
Emotional Flexibility
Like many things in life, it isn’t the lack of ideas or know-how to ask for things and take action, it’s dealing with the uncomfortable feelings and thoughts that come before such events.
When we’ve found peace within our inner demons, the prospect of dealing with conversations and ‘asks’ no longer seems difficult. They become excited.
My new book on imposter syndrome is centred around how you can turn those inner overthinking inadequacies into courage and bravery. There’s a step-by-step guide on how to harness fear into a super-strength and a whole section on how to supercharge your influence in conversations.
For the price of a few coffees, why not give it a shot? (terrible Dad pun).
You can purchase my book here.
You can reply by commenting below. I would love to hear your thought on this :)
Balanced advise that can be adapted for any given situation which I always find more helpful than being told what to do, guess I am strong on the autonomy bit :). I would love to read the book but really struggle reading digitally, when it is coming out in paperback?