The difference between noticing and paying attention

Me and my partner had an honest conversation last night about how we show up for each other in our relationship

I left my blue biro pen on the garden table a couple of weeks ago. I noticed this pen everyday. I kept walking past it. And it just seemed like a big effort to pick up. So I walked on by, seeing it weather the storms. Rain, gusts of wind, and even June thunderstorms - you know, the classic British weather. Still on the table, stubbornly British.

The rain cleared today, and the sun was shining, so I sat down at the garden table to have my lunch. It felt easy to pick up the pen, it was within touching distance.

And then, two minutes into eating my salad, the lightest of breezes swept the pen off the table. And by the way, I'm not the sentimental, 'the universe is teaching me something' type, before you read on.

I watched the pen fall to the ground, and it genuinely felt like a moment of life teaching me something. Not through the universe, but because it was front of mind, something I was deliberately paying attention to, something else meaningful (and I'll share this in a moment).

Every day, we walk past conversations with colleagues, parents, partners, and our children that could change everything. The apology, the feedback, the vulnerability, and the ‘I love you’ that’s been sitting there, gathering weight. We see it, notice it, but convince ourselves we’ll do it tomorrow.

Me and my partner had an honest conversation last night about how we show up for each other in our relationship, and how we communicate in front of our beautiful daughters. It started with me talking about a Tik Tok video about 'Couples Therapy', - which by the way looks great - subsequently igniting an invitation for her to share something front of mind.

We explored the behaviours we want to role model for our kids. And she was teaching me about the ‘T’ technique she’d read in a book - that when frustration builds up, it means I'm triggered, and I need a time-out. I loved it… until she told me the book was called ‘How Not To Hate Your Husband After Kids’. It’s a good job we’re not married :)

But we felt a weight lifted. A meaningful conversation to listen to each other, empathise, and share ideas, rather than evade it and hope it passes by. And of course, we giggled, given this is a topic I teach leaders and teams on how to disagree well and have those crucial conversations (I’m a human!).

And you’ll think I’m now making this up, but moments before the pen fell off the table, I had just come off a 1-2-1 coaching call with

Rosie Spinks

, discussing writing, and she gave me excellent advice about the power of noticing and collecting everyday, real-life moments. And when those moments come, often unbeknownst, it helps create the dots. Dots between the things that matter. The things you care about.

Here's me connecting the dots. And I wouldn't have been able to connect the dots if I hadn't actively been trying to connect the dots. Sometimes we can notice, and things pass us by. But if we shift noticing to really paying attention, something deeper emerges.

I'm telling this story because often the difficult conversation is staring you in the face. Even if it feels heavy, or scary, or seemingly impossible - do it now; pick up the biro pen, before it’s too late.

This is a pledge to be more open, human, and committed to noticing and engaging in my writing and relationships.