Mastering the art of asking
Asking for something unreasonable isn't arrogance, it's gifting someone else the opportunity to help you succeed.
My mum always said to me: ‘Dean, if you don’t ask, you don’t get’. It’s something that’s always stayed with me and it’s advice that’s served me well.
When I realised asking for something was the reason for the opportunities I’ve created in life, I knew it was a skill I needed to hone to build a successful career.
It never came easy though. For years I was stuck in a story I kept telling myself that ‘my success was down to luck and fortune’.
As someone who always felt like an outcast, never good enough, and not academically smart enough, the prospect of asking for something felt daunting.
Clients of mine report this all the time. The fear of asking…
someone on a date.
for feedback from your boss.
for a pay rise.
for mentoring or work experience.
It’s a common cycle. The anxiety of asking leads us to avoiding the thing we want to ask for. Meaning we hardly ever get what we want, and deserve.
What things do you shy away from asking?
My inner imposter voice tried to sabotage me the other day when I was thinking about emailing England Head Coach Eddie Jones for a coffee. I’m always searching for learning opportunities and I managed to track down his email.
Just as I was about email him, I hesitated.
‘Why would he want to meet with me? I’ll be wasting his time. I’ve heard he’s terrifying. I’ve got no idea what to say’.
My imposter voice was giving me excuses and putting up barriers.
I pressed send (even though it felt vulnerable to do so).
To my surprise, he emailed me back within 10 minutes and told me his PA would be in touch. 2 weeks ago we had a one-hour 1-2-1 over a coffee down at the England HQ.
We explored mindset, leadership and team culture. An hour full of learning with a world-leading coach and possible opportunities down the line.
But the meeting wouldn’t have happened if I listened to my thoughts. And I’m glad I didn’t.
Over time I’ve had to override automated unhelpful thoughts with helpful behaviours that serve me.
‘You’ll get rejected’ (unhelpful thought) + press send (helpful behaviour) = desired outcome (email sent).
When you attempt to minimise (substrate) unhelpful thoughts, you multiple them. Opportunity emerges through taking action, despite what the unhelpful thoughts you think.
It comes up time and time again that the reason people worry about asking for things is that they feel it’s an act of selfishness, arrogance or over-confidence.
And if you look at asking this way, it’s understandable why it would feel scary.
But this logic falls down in the face of human psychology.
Human beings are altruistic. Deep down we’re motivated to want to help others. Because helping others makes us feel good about ourselves.
Charlie Chaplin famously said this:
We all want to help one another. Human beings are like that. We want to live by each other’s happiness, not by each other’s misery.
Asking for something unreasonable is a gift to someone else. You’re gifting them the opportunity to help you. You have my permission to be unreasonable.
By not asking, you are not only depriving yourself of the opportunities you deserve, but you are also denying someone else the opportunity to feel good about themselves.
It may feel daunting asking for something. But with practice and courage, you can build the art of asking into a super-strength.
In my new book, I guide you through 13 steps of authentic asks to increase your luck, influence and success (without being someone you’re not).
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