Now here’s the part we don’t talk about enough.
One of the best leadership mantras I ever heard was ‘right place, right time, right person’
There’s been a massive amount of interest in the topic of ‘disagreeing well’ - in the context of building healthy performance cultures. I delivered a talk with the global law firm, Baker McKenzie, last week. One of the leaders approached me afterwards to express gratitude, not for a framework or a tool, but for what the idea of productive disagreement had sparked in their relationship at home.
It struck me. Disagreement is a life skill. It's a skill I'm still actively honing. And failing miserably to apply with my 3.5-year-old when she’s negotiating bedtime!
But during the talk, I received a question, and I wanted to share my reflections:
When’s the right time for disagreement?
So let’s unpick this.
When to Disagree
One of the best leadership mantras I ever heard was ‘right place, right time, right person’ – from Sally Munday, the CEO of UK Sport.
“Right” seems paradoxical because we often equate it with truth, logic, or winning, but in communication, being right isn't what matters. You can be factually right but emotionally tone-deaf. That’s why “right time, right place, right person” feels upside-down to our instinct to speak up immediately. Right means choosing the right moments based on context. And that comes from practice, experience and wisdom, not knowledge alone.
There’s no black-and-white playbook when it comes to communication.
The very same challenge that lands perfectly in one moment, “Have we thought about the risks here?”, can seem disruptive, even arrogant, in another. It’s not just what you say. It’s when you say it, how you say it, and who you say it to.
But there are some general principles we can play with to help think about when disagreement, or not, is useful:
Before decisions are locked in. When ideas are still forming, when options are still open, this is prime disagreement territory. It’s where healthy friction sharpens thinking rather than derails progress.
When something just doesn’t sit right. If a voice inside is whispering, “Are we missing something?”, listen to it. You don’t need to be loud or dramatic. A simple “Can I share a different angle?” is enough to shift the room. Notice it’s framed as a question, which gives agency for others to accept or not.
When the group is too quick to agree. If everyone’s nodding furiously and you haven’t heard a single “what if…”, it might be time to raise a flag. This is not to cause disruption, but rather to safeguard the quality of the final product.
When the stakes are high and the data is murky. Ambiguity is disagreement’s best friend. Not because it creates conflict, but because it needs it. Complexity is rarely resolved by consensus alone.
When Not to Disagree
Now here’s the part we don’t talk about enough.
Disagreement becomes toxic when it's constant, performative, or mis-timed. There’s a time to speak, and there’s a time to hold the line. Here are a few:
Mid-crisis or live execution. If the metaphorical plane is descending and someone yells, “Wait! Should we even be flying?”. Disagree later, in the debrief.
When you’re emotionally hijacked. If your pulse is up and your fists are clenched (physically or metaphorically), that’s not the moment to disagree. It’s the moment to breathe. Refocus your attention on what matters.
When it’s not your hill to die on. Some disagreements are about preference, not principle. If the stakes are low, and you just like blue more than green, let it go.
When it’s about being right, not getting it right. This one stings (me too). If disagreement is just a covert way of showing how clever you are, it’s probably not going to land - if my partner reads this she’s a master in spotting this in me.
We’re in a world increasingly fantasised about by being right. But perhaps the real mark of disagreement might be knowing when not to say what you think, and choosing, instead, to ask a better question.
Please get in touch if you’d like to explore how I can help your company with a productive disagreement workshop/advisory to build healthy, high-performance cultures. Drop me a reply.